I'm making my way through Uwe Boll's three latest offerings (as of the writing of this review), which have been touted by his fans as "his best, yet". Since Uwe Boll is, as of this time, known as one of the worst directors to get consistent theatrical release, the term best yet is kind of like implying that Jon-Mikl Thor was his most nuanced in Rock and Roll Nightmare 2. It's a meaningless statement. However, let me be fair. I came down on the side of "not like" for Seed, with the only thing stopping it from getting a Blech was a certain sense of heart in a few scenes, and I have not seen In the Name of the King, but this one is interesting. Not good. No sirree. This is one of the hardest movies to recommend to anyone since, maybe, Aristocrats. There are some that will love it, yep, and some that will hate it, yep, and it will be hard as hell to guess who is who. Let me try and walk you through it.
You have Zack Ward, who is awesome in this movie, if the term "awesome" applies, being something of the blue collar, American Martin Freeman. He stays right about the pissed off mark, but somehow continues to do it with a human grace. You have Jackie Tohn, playing a barista who brings to mind the phrase "Evil Rachel Ray" (I think it's the voice), who works in all of the scenes thrown at her. Those two. Thumbs up. You have J.K. Simmons in a brief couple of cameos somewhere between Alex Jones and a random Texas Politician. You have Larry Thomas playing Sammy Laden, and actually making it work. Against. All. Odds.
Then you have the rest of it. A cop who runs a racket by having a severely disabled man wheeled out on street corners to "beg". You have an enormous woman who has a few sex scenes that aim for shocked guffaws. You have a shooting match that breaks out and ends up killing almost nothing but children (by the way, I laughed alot at this, becuase it was such a silly way to add shock). You have Taliban jokes galore. You have a September 11 joke (the phrase "too soon!" doesn't come to mind because it's best to just shake your head, once you see it you will know what I mean). You have an abusive interview that is one of the funniest scenes in the movie. You have a rain of fat, several bloody shoot outs, a doll based on a penis, and what I assumed to be cum vomiting. Yep. All that. And a gun. In a cat's ass. For a silencer. And Dave Foley's wanger, which isn't bad as wangers go, but I'm not sure I was ready. And Verne Troyer, with a glowing dildo. That's using your head to make the best of being in a tight, dark spot. And cleavage and cleavage and cleavage.
It's this montage of things that should shock, and some do, but with this almost friendly comic book way of presenting it. In the middle or so of the movie, Boll himself shows up. He goes on to say that he finances his movie through Nazi gold and all the children in the audience are turning him on. That's right, he makes fun of his tendency to aim for cheap, easy shocks, in a movie in which he goes for cheap easy shocks. He juxtaposes a line about making up a Bible to control people to a scene of terrorists planning an attack. All religion is fanatical in this movie, all cops are wastes of time and space. It is almost too much, too many shocking things, and it ends up playing off as a comedy so dark that it doesn't really matter any more, so it's almost lighthearted. Someone got shot? HAH. He hit a baby with his car? HAH. Cum vomiting? WANGER.
You see why I say I can't recommend this movie? I simply can't. If you read that and went "awesome", have at it. If you read it and went "That's so sick I just have to see!" then have at it. If you read that and went "That's sick and you are sick for talking about it!" then, well, why not? Have at it. It's a kaleidoscope of bad jokes and soul crushing moments harvested for slight chuckles.
There you go, how is that for a review. No score, because there is no way that I wouldn't score too high and too low at the same time.
Written by W Doug Bolden
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