Notes to Spammers Trying to Trick Me

Ok, here are some general tips.

1) If you are going to send me an e-mail, or a Myspace message, or whatever, how about a little subject line? You go to all that trouble to make a bot that spams out hundred of e-mails and you don't program in a simple subject line? Well, I suppose we just found out why you didn't make it as a honest computer programmer. And "hi" doesn't count.

2) Try not pretending I e-mailed myself a link. When the hell has that ever worked? While I am at it, how about you stop with the whole "RE: Information you asked for" bullshit? What's that even supposed to mean? Are you sending me information I asked for yet somehow I worded the original subject funny? Are you responding to information that I sent you by request? Do you really think I have no idea who the hell I e-mailed? Do I have information? Information on what? Do you really want to hear about the relative allegorical depth of 1980s zombie movies? Do you care what the similarities between Dostoevsky's The Idiot and Palahniuk's Survivor are? And why not?

3) If you pretending to be from eBay or from Paypal or from my mom or whatever, learn how to spell. Correctly, even. Especially learn how to spell the name of the company. And here is a bonus tip: it's not "Power Saler!!!" Look up their basic policies. If I am the seller, that means you are waiting for the package, not for the payment, dumbass. Read up on something called the status bar at the bottom of Internet Explorer or whatever you are using. Notice how it shows you the real URL. Yeah, we see that, too. You do not have mystic vision. And, though I enjoy the irony of you including the "wach out for phisers" [sic] fine print you include in these special as a shortbus e-mails, make sure you don't do something stupid like copy and paste them twice, or cut them off in the middle. That's just shoddy, bro.

4) Furthermore, unless I know you personally, an e-mail with a lack of punctuation and an abundance of strange choice phonetic spellings is not really going to enamor me to any cause other than clicking "SPAM".

5) If you saw my bank account, you probably wouldn't trust me with your 5.4million usd. Besides, I would think that all these Nigerian rebellions you keep telling me about would make it to the news eventually.

6) My penis is fine. You can ask my wife. Though I do have to say that I probably wouldn't mind seeing your breasts while you make out with your roommate in tub full of oil because you got bored and figured you would experiment one night. Why don't you cut through the foreplay and just mail them to me to start with and I'll get back to you?

7) I appreciate that you are new in town and "woulnd tknow anhoyone so [you] just thought [you] would looke [me] up"...I don't care.

8) Try NOT including any misspellings of the word sexual, oral, ass, finger, suck, horse, or tit in the subject line. Try NOT including the words "screw", "fun", "party", "flirt" and "easy" in your user name (and "easyscrewflirt727" is right out). I will allow the word "monkey", mind you.

9) If you are going to send out an e-mail to everyone on the planet, how about you come up with a system where I don't get it three times. Give someone else a turn. I don't mind, really.

Finally,

10) Who the hell keeps responding to spam mail that makes it seem like it might be in some way profitable or worthwhile? Since 1997?