Post Mortem: 2025-10-18
I forgot this post existed for the longest time. I actually found a reference to it in another post, where I linked it to a manic-depressive episode — not medically diagnosed, just a very bad mental crash that occurred in mid-2015 — but reading it now, it's not as bad as all that.
Trying to keep the spirit of this post alive, I have updated it in a few places from 2025's perspective.
To clarify, the "Doug-then" would mostly be myself circa 1993-1995.
I had a plan to sit down and write a series of posts—at least four or five—in which I addressed "Doug-then", meaning me in my teenage years, and chastised him for various things. Upon reflection, I don't think I have it in me to be mean to myself for multiple posts. Instead, I figured I'd put all of those ideas, and more, into a single post.
Ten is an arbitrary number, most definitely. I could probably come up with dozens of things to point out, or I could probably end it at half-a-dozen. If I run out before I reach ten, what I will do is edit the post to be, you know, "Seven pieces..." and you the reader won't know about it. I may be literally writing a paragraph that will never read. How weird is that, eh?
In no real particular order...
- You go on walks, daily, and during those walks you "pretend" and tell stories to yourself. This embarrasses you, because you worry this makes you weird. If only you had realized that you could write those weird and fascinating stories down, you might have been a writer at an earlier age. You eventually cotton on, but it takes a moment. Embrace your solitary weirdness, it will be one of your best friends for years to come. Also, you always carry a walking stick and people comment on it. In decades later, walking sticks will be cool.
- It is ok to want to be a librarian. You will take a decade to figure this out, that it's what you really want, and you will be surprised when you realize that it's a job you are perfectly fitted for.
- In that decade of confusion, mind, you meet a lot of people who will grow to mean a lot to you, so it's also ok to be confused from time to time. You can't help it, it is who we are. There is virtually no mistake you will ever make that doesn't end up being part of something wonderful. You are luckier than you realize, though you roll like shit when playing board games.
- You are especially confused by relationships and you will get quite depressed about it. Maybe try and actually ask someone out, you know? Sure, most will say no, but that's ok. Your first week off at college, you will ask a fellow student out, she will say yes, an it will be a fun time. It won't go anywhere, but just think: what if you had asked others out? A night of dancing isn't a bad way to be.
- Speaking of relationships, stop considering Radiohead's "Creep" to be the most romantic song in the universe. An unnerving belief in your own creepiness is never going to get you anywhere. Believe it or not, while many folk do like hearing how lovely you find them, it is actually better to also let them know you find yourself at least a little lovely. Brag on yourself some. Even when others aren't around.
- You will eventually have sex, so chill out about that, too. You are pretty good at it. You will also fail to notice for far too long that you are demi-sexual to the point that had we figured that out sooner, we might have been happy and ace instead of wondering why we kept shooting ourselves in the foot during relationships.
- You will one day, in a state of utter depression, start spamming your friends with poetry. Most of the poetry will be bad. You will actually learn a lot about writing poetry during this time, though. Those people who keep responding to your poetry even after months of it? Those are the good people in your life, at least the people good for you.
- As you move out and start making new friends, you will feel utterly embarrassed having come from a backwoods spot and not knowing a lot about popular culture or having many opportunities. You will briefly become a habitual liar. You grow out of it, but maybe tone it down a bit.
- You will suffer from mild dyscalculia, dyslexia, temporal lobe epilepsy, social awkwardness, paranoia, and depression. You will conquer all of them, so do not worry, though you will never be as good at high level physics as you like because even when you understand the concepts perfectly, the math will shift through your head like sand in an earthquake. For this, I am sorry. But see the bit about being a librarian, above, where a brain that thinks in five directions at once becomes an asset.
- There will come a time when your younger brother needs you and you will find it pretty hard to be there for him. Just...you know...try. There is probably nothing you can do to stop the inevitable, but you want to feel like you made some difference.
Goodbye, Doug-then, you've passed on the torch. I kind of wish I could give you a hug, but keep this in mind: you and I, we are the Million-Billion Dougs, stretching out into near infinite probability...all those lives we could have led. We are this life, though, standing on top a mountain of time, under an ocean of space. It is ok. As ok as it can be. Goodnight.