Looking back at this poem in 2025, I am of mixed feelings about it. It was one of the core poems of my writings, those poems that helped keep me writing and for which I felt a deep appreciation, but it is hard to see the elements of exocitism and the poor handling of the central trans-ness that it stumbled upon.
It was written as a metaphor about romance — exact date I do not recall but I feel like it was maybe 2002 — and how we play-act. At the time, I was still hiding away elements of my own queerness. It would be over a decade before I felt comfortable talking about my pansexuality and nearly two decades before I realized some of my own issues with romance was due to borderline asexuality. I had a mental image of myself as someone who should want sexual relationship and romantic relationships but I rarely had the desire to actually do the work to bring those about or to hold on to them. I burned through a few friendships in the wake of such. I wish I had understood that because it would have saved so much heart ache and assholery on my part.
Reading it now, it was this great big nearly getting it to explain my own sense of a lack of cis-ness. My own confusion at what I was really wanting. I just wish 2002-era Doug had found a metaphor that did not simply jump on the "Japanese people are cool" bandwagon. Or, alternatively, had found a better way to express it.
Thus, the flaws of this poem I will leave as is. With apologies for lines like, "that quaint, Japanese way," and all the racism inherit in them. Or even just the wide brushstroke handling of kabuki theater.
Just know the "quaint" was a younger me's attempting to express the need for an ideal relationship that did not exist. Or, as it was, did very much so exist. Just not in a way that he was comfortable to admit.
For those finding this in 2025+, know that I got better. At poetry. At understanding my own sexuality. And at understanding how such words as those below are problematic.
Kabuki looks at Kabuki And feels a moment of elation Onnagata dreams out loud Until it unfolds, In his dearest memories. Knows it not That it is not; It would seem. But seemings are strong, And love so carefree and distant Dance hand in hand, Two women laughing In that quaint, Japanese way. Kabuki looks at Kabuki And feels a moment of confusion Onnagata knows the face's mask And it unfolds, In his momentary desires Knows it is not What it would seem. Can not once his love be. But loneliness is long, And love so strange and close. Dance hand in hand, Two men laughing In that quaint, Japanese way.