What if spam (e-mail) was more like actual Spam...

[Contact Me]] | [FAQ]

[Some "Dougisms" Defined]

[About Dickens of a Blog]

Summary: Kind of early one in Twitter days, I created a list of ten ways that e-mail spam would be different if it was more like Spam (the food). I never finished posting the list now, and feel like I should go back and get it all down before it is lost to time.

Tuesday, 08 December 2009

(13:20:28 CST)

What if spam (e-mail) was more like actual Spam...

Last night, I archived all of my old tweets. I had, at the time of the archiving, something like 1850, and it took me an hour or so to figure out the process. For those curious, there are a number of ways to do it. If you Google "Archive Tweets" then you will find things like twistory.net and tweetbook.in that will scan your public tweets and favorites and post output them in some other format (iCal and pdf respectively, I think). I took the stance that if they could do it, then I could do it, and I was mostly right. There are a number of ways to do it, one that seemed to be the most efficient or so, and I'll discuss that sometime soon.

Because this article is not about backing up your tweets, but about the series of tweets that started me on the quest. I started my Twitter account sometime in late January, and started it using it more regularly in February. Sometime in April, I started posted a series of tweets about "What if spam were more like SPAM?" in the style of a David Letterman "Top Ten" list. They were strange and surreal, mostly, and I never got around to finishing them. That is, I never got around to posting them all. I had a list to finish over a week or two, one per day, but I just bailed on it.

Here, then, for the first time anywhere...is Doug's Top 10 things that would happen if spam e-mail was more like actual Spam:

  1. Instead of offering to enlarge your penis, it would offer to harden your arteries!
  2. Nigerian scam e-mails would actually be from Hawaii.
  3. Bigger cans: not so much sexier... just more sodium.
  4. Would have that yellowed jelly-fat at the top instead of that yellow "Content blocked for your protection" bar.
  5. Denny's would find some way to serve it with eggs and cheese.
  6. The nutritional value would stay the same.
  7. Instead of looking for chemical enhancements and misshapen words, filters would indentify it by chemical enhancements and misshapen meats.
  8. Being barely legal at 18 years of age would have less to do with drunken trips to spring break and more to do with panicked trips to the Emergency room.
  9. Your anti-virus protection would consist mostly of letting your dog sniff it first.

And, finally...

  1. Every e-mail would come with recipes.

Like I said, gems like those are too valuable to waste.

Si Vales, Valeo


If you wish to comment, please use the form below or contact me in some other way and I'll add it as soon as possible. Thanks!

Sarah says "Sweet Jesus!"

Doug replies "And how!"

Where did the comment box go?

Due to most of my friends using alternate means to contact me, and mostly SPAM bots using the comment box method, I have removed it. If you wish to contact me, please feel free to use any human-friendly contact method you wish. Thanks!

Written by Doug Bolden

For those wishing to get in touch, you can contact me in a number of ways

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

The longer, fuller version of this text can be found on my FAQ: "Can I Use Something I Found on the Site?".

"The hidden is greater than the seen."